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Link to the article ATOMIC DOG
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out
by TC
Scientists Discover More Disturbing News about Steroids
Scientists at the Tuscaloosa Institute of Technology have uncovered yet more disturbing evidence that steroids pose a significant health risk. According to lead scientist, Dr. Randy Kreider, dosages of steroids as small as 100 milligrams, taken simultaneously with a fifth of bourbon, can cause impaired judgment, lack of equilibrium, and the propensity to say "all kinds of goofy shit with slurred speech."
Furthermore, the men in the steroid group displayed "aggressive tendencies," many of them repeating the question, "Ya' think yer better than me?" over and over again while taking swings at the researchers.
The double blind study involved 14 healthy men, ages 21 to 24. Half of the men were given a single injection of steroids and a fifth of bourbon, while those in the control group each received a handful of "Snausages," a new snack food made from deep-fried ****tail wieners.
While the control group suffered no ill effects other than congealed aortas, each member of the group receiving steroids experienced the alarming side effects listed above.
The study reports that the effects of the steroids seemed to wear off after a good night's sleep and a couple of aspirin, but the authors urged that the Government continue their vigilance over these dangerous drugs.
— Associated Press
Okay, so the Associated Press "news release" is a little far-fetched, but if you look at what journalists, lay people, and even doctors know–or think they know–about steroids, the press release suddenly doesn't seem so silly.
It's almost hard to believe, but to the general public, steroids, including Testosterone, are America's new crack cocaine.
What the hail happened? What universe did I wake up in? Where the doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo, is Rod Serling?
Maybe you've noticed that wacko-taco commercial produced by Major League Baseball and the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. The commercial is called "The Statue," and it features good ol' Discobolus, originally carved by the Greek sculptor Myron in 5th century B.C.
Proud Discobolus is crumbling before our eyes because he's been using steroids. A somber voiceover describes all the ills that befall steroid users, from piles to the obligatory cancer reference, and then they give us the solar plexus deathblow:
Steroids don't make great athletes. They destroy them.
The trouble is, it doesn't take a huge Archimedes-in-the-bathtub Eureka deductive leap to see, despite their warnings, that Barry Bonds managed to prevail. Canseco did, too. Palmeiro, McGwire, all of them made a lot of money. Their reputations might have been damaged by Victor Conte's hubris, but none of them are exactly "crumbling." In fact you'd be hard pressed to name anybody that died or experienced permanent physical problems from steroid use.
It reminds me of the anti-marijuana commercial they used to show us in school in the 70's. We'd all meet in the auditorium to watch a grainy filmstrip that depicted wild-eyed, dope smoking hippies who'd start to hallucinate and see monsters after taking a puff of the demon weed.
While the teachers and administrators nodded their heads solemnly, most of us kids were snickering...well, except for Stuey, the kid with boogers in his hair who wet his bed so much that he shorted out his electric blanket and electrocuted the family schnauzer. Stuey, much alarmed by the film, took a deep drag from his asthma inhaler while vowing silently never to touch the evil weed.
But the weird thing is that the kids today — and the grown-ups — are all Stuey. They might not have the boogers in their hair or be chronic bed wetters, but they've drunk the Kool Aid; they believe these anti-steroid David Koresh types who are espousing their bad steroid religion.
Even Maxim magazine, the anointed User's Manual for today's ADD afflicted, education-despising slacker, explains that steroids, while effective for putting on mass, will make you "want to kill people, and in between you'll want to kill yourself." And Maxim doesn't stop there:
"Oh, and your liver, kidneys, and heart will take a beating, and you'll get bacne, go bald faster, and your nuts will shrink to the size of blueberries. You won't like yourself, but you'll have huge guns!"
If that weren't stupid enough, in the same article they give us the real scoop on such "street drugs" as arginine, chromium picolinate, and pyruvate.
Street drugs? Am I in a time warp, or is Maxim launching some sort of drug and supplement version of TV Land? Hey, Skreetch is getting ready to do some desiccated liver tablets! Bring me some Screaming Yellow Zonkers and a Tab!
This misinformation is everywhere.
Just the other night, while brushing my teefers and getting ready for beddy-bye, I turned on the radio that I keep next to the sink. There's some wahoo talk show host on FOX sports radio talking about Rafael Palmeiro:
"Listen. I sat down with a sports doctor for an hour and got the scoop on steroids.
"Apparently, there's this pro-pah-nate stuff...now bear with me because it even took me a little while to understand this...this pro-pah-nate stuff that you inject...it clears your system in 24 hours!
"It's the same with this stan-o-zol stuff that's been in the papers. It clears in 24 hours! You can't detect it! No wonder these guys aren't getting caught!
"Why isn't anybody in the country talking about this other than me?"
Christ. Now we have all these sports-radio listeners walking around the country thinking that Testosterone propionate and Stanozolol clear your system in 24 hours.
And let's not even start to talk about the misinformation surrounding GH, although I do have to share this one little gem that's featured in this month's Playboy during an interview with Jose Canseco's ex-wife, a major league piece of ass if there ever was one. The writer, another self-proclaimed drug expert, explains that GH has a side effect none of us knew about
:
At the same time, the human growth hormone Jose was taking actually made his penis larger.
The reporter apparently felt confident writing that because Jessica confirmed it!
"Your penis is a muscle, it [GH] makes it heavy, solid. He was very well-endowed down there."
Shirley! Get Payne Whitney on the phone. Tell them I want to buy a bazillion shares of Merck pharmaceuticals, stat!
Oh mamma oh mamma oh mamma.
Jessica, my penis may be strong; it may be capable of heroic feats; it may shimmy and shake like my sister Kate and it may even be able to fungo a fly ball off Jose's melon, but it ain't no muscle.
Unfortunately, the mutts that read Playboy now believe they can actually work their dick out in the gym and make it grow. Sure buddy, it's a muscle. That's why there's a hole in the middle of every plate. Drop your drawers and try this 45-pounder on for size. Do a few "Aroused Farmer's Walks" across the gym until the cops get here.
Sigh.
I'm not advocating the use of steroids in sport, but I'm not condemning it, either. Truth is, I don't know what to think. I don't know what constitutes cheating anymore. There are so many supplements available to an athlete that might help them, including some "natural" ones, that I don't know where to draw the line. I don't even know if a line should be drawn.
Maybe the recommendations I made a few years ago still hold true; that athletes should be required to pass physicals. Their blood pressure and their blood chemistry should all fall within the parameters of what constitutes "healthy." That means they could use steroids judiciously, but if any one of a number of tests fell out of accepted limits, they'd be disqualified from competition.
Regardless, what really bugs me about all this steroid and drug misinformation is that it's trickled down into mainstream medicine. People who genuinely need or just want Testosterone replacement are being presented with the same arguments that we read about in magazines or hear about on TV or radio.
Consider my friend, Andy. Andy is 85 years old, but he works out every day. He's got the mind of a 35-year-old. His favorite TV shows are Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Daily Show. He reads anything and everything. His mind is young and vital, but despite his efforts, he's really slowing down. He doesn't walk; he shuffles. He's plagued by achy joints, a lack of energy, and erections that are about as soft as the overcooked macaroni his wife makes him for lunch.
On my recommendation, he faxed his doc a letter requesting information about Testosterone replacement therapy. Not an hour had passed before the doc returned the fax.
On it, scrawled in large, block letters were the words, "YOU'LL GET CANCER."
No explanation. No ifs, ands, or buts. It was like when Ralphie got his essay back from his teacher, the one about his Red Ryder double action air rifle. There too, scrawled across the paper, was a similar warning:
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT.
Poor Ralphie. Poor Andy.
Andy deserves to have quality of life, but his lame brain, obstinate doctor has become a Stuey.
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT...
To make things worse, the news agencies are reporting a synopsis of a recent study that appeared in the August issue of The Journal of Urology. According to the study, cancer developed in 20 men within months to a few years after they began Testosterone replacement therapy.
The results were culled from the records of six different urology practices.
Unfortunately, none of the other particulars of the study were reported by the news agencies. The average age of the men who developed cancer was about 65. There was no baseline data on many of the patients. Some had not been properly screened for prostate cancer (by PSA, ultrasounds, or digital rectal exam).
No control data was available to determine the number of men receiving T replacement who didn't get cancer. There was limited pathological data as to whether the cancers were clinically significant.
In other words, the study didn't really tell anyone all that much, but that doesn't matter. Without reading the particulars, the study will merely reinforce the YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT mentality.
The thing is, a lot of old dudes have prostate cancer. If you autopsy a hundred old guys who died of natural causes, you'll likely find that about 35% of them had prostate cancer–occult prostate cancer. So, it's possible that T therapy, especially when not accompanied by a 5 alpha-reductase inhibitor like finasteride or dutasteride, could stimulate these cancers. All the more reason to do a thorough evaluation before writing the prescription.
But facts don't seem to matter. The message that trickles down is that Testosterone is dangerous.
It makes me wonder how much we know about anything. Unless you're an expert in something, you merely take it on faith that what you're reading is true.
I mean, what if, hold onto your hats, there really were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I know it strains credulity, but what if the Government lied to us? What if!?! The implications are staggering!
Or what if Tom Cruise wasn't really an expert in psychiatry, and that there really are psychological problems that should be treated with drugs?
For that matter, how do we really know that Canada exists? We hear about it once in awhile, but how many of us have actually seen Canada? I bet if you drove a snowmobile north from, say, Minnesota or something, you'd hit one gigantic
ice floe and be eaten by polar bears.
Wow. I don't know about you, but I think I just blew my mind.
Every journalist, every radio or TV newscaster or talk show host, needs to be careful about what information he or she disseminates. There are often repercussions to misinformation. Likewise, we all need to be careful about what we accept as fact. Hearsay should not be confused with truth.
The possible consequence of intellectual laziness is clear: YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!
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