[Rocky]

Taking the idea from Fallens joke of the day - here's the start of the joke thread. Keep adding your new and favourites!

No offence to any Australians - this isn't my joke...

An Aussie bursts through the bedroom door and his wife looks up from the bed and sees him standing there with a sheep under his arm.

He's looking at his wife and shaking his head.

"This is the pig I have to **** when you've got a headache" he says.

His wife looks confused.

"But that's a sheep!"

Her husband glares at her and says

"I wasn't talking to you!"

[robcardu]

LOL.........LAMFAO.....HAAHAHAHAAHAHAAA

[thedon]

hears a joke....two guys walk into a bar...you think the second one would have ducked

[Q80_MuscleHed]

LooooooL .. that was funny :)

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

lol NONE offence taken rocky - its not us aussies who are into the sheep, its the kiwis
heres one i heard years ago
no offence to any ppl
in the desert 3 guys english irish and scottish walking thru the desert
they find a magic lamp and are given 3 wishes
enlgihsman wishes for a fan, to keep cool while going thru the desert
scottish wants an air conditioner to keep cool thru the desert
irish wants a car door
confused they ask what for?
so when im going thru the desert i can wind down the window to keep cool!
i will think of a better one..
thats a promise ha

[PUMBA]

oh I hope so peanut, I hope so......see ya at the gym tomorrow dude. :xmasbiggr

[fahad]

loooooooool....nice 1......

[fallen]

Well since this is an idea from my post i guess i better add to it lol

A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those *******s from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

[robcardu]

LOL @ fallen

[Rocky]

Superb work.

What's E.T. short for?



Cos' he's got little legs!




That always makes me laugh for some reason...

[thedon]

two muffins are sitting in an oven...one muffin looks at the other and says "man is it ever hot in here"..and the other muffin says "holy ****, a talking muffin!"

[robcardu]

lol.....

[MaKaVeLi]

why do men think a lot and women talk a lot... men have 2 heads while women have 4 lips

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

dunno if u get this one:
how does mr. whippy do a ****?
same way he pours his ice cremas!! round and round and round and round and round!!
lol

[JDF]

Ok, here we go. You guys remember Lorena Bobitt right? The lady that cut off her husbands unit and threw it out her car window. Anyways, In Canada we make fun of Newfies (from Newfoundland) so insert Irishmen, Aussies, Kiwis whatever where the newfies are....

Two Newfies are driving down the highway, minding there own business,

Lorena Bobbitt is driving in front of them with her husbands cut off shlong in her hand. She throws it out the window

SMACK! It hits the Newfies windshield and bounces off. They are both completely ****ing stunned and sit there shocked for a minute.

Finally, the one Newfie turns to the other and says "HOLY ****! DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THE **** ON THAT MOSQUITO!"

[Banshee20]

LOL @ that one JDF!

[canablistic_Turnip]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a turtle on its back?

nothing there both screwed

[canablistic_Turnip]

16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[robcardu]

lol @ the second one,canablistic

[Rocky]

A husband and wife are in bed and the man starts prodding her with his ****.

"Not tonight love, I've got a headache" she tells him.

The man, sighs, gets out of bed and goes out of the room. a couple of moments later he comes back in with his **** still out.

"What did you just do?" she asked.

"Dipped my **** in powdered paracetamol and you can take it orally or as a suppository"

[fallen]

lol thats good Rocky

THE BARBER & THE MEXICAN
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut.
After the cut he goes to pay the barber.....
I am sorry I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing a community service.
the florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes
to open his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also
goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the
barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money
from you I'm doing community service.
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open
his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and
he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: I'm sorry I can't accept
money from you I'm doing a community service.
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his
shop guess what he finds there?...............A dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut!!
PINCHE RAZA!!!

[robcardu]

lol fallen.....if u change mexican and put colombians,venezuelan,argetinos ect. the joke doesn´t change....ha ha un corte gratis cabron......

[chesticles]

If you want to be offended by any of my jokes, well you can be.

What do you get when you have five Mexicans, an Asian, and four blacks?
A lawn sprinkler.
Spic
spic
spic
spic
spic
CHINK
Nigganigganigganigga

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

lol lol funny ****e


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and then tries his keys on five different cars before he found his. The fellow then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[robcardu]

lol @ nothins ones

[chesticles]

A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey ******, give me a jigger."
The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."
The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.
Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."
To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

[chesticles]

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar, and getting bored. They decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a word and after a little pondering comes up with the word: moose****.
The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it something good to eat?"
The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies "Sure, I suppose you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose****?

[chesticles]

A man is sitting at a bar, and notices the guy next to him is distraught. He asks the guy whats wrong and he says "My wife is going to kill me! She told me to stay out of the bars, but I went anyway, got drunk, and threw up on myself. Now I can't go home." "No Problem", says the first guy. "Put 20 bucks in your front pocket, and when you get home tell your wife somebody else did it and paid you for the dry cleaning." So the drunken guy goes home, and of course his wife starts yelling at him. The guy pulls some money out of his pocket and tells his wife somebody threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks for the dry cleaning. The wife looks at the money and says "thats all fine and good, but theres 40 dollars here." The guy says " Oh yeah, he **** in my pants too."

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

pfft not as good as mine
cool stuff man