The Official Joke Thread!

fallen · 03-10-2006, 05:42 PM

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would the president of the largest bank in the state, get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Rocky · 03-11-2006, 04:50 AM

lol. Think I might get me one of those tattoo's!

MaKaVeLi · 03-15-2006, 02:43 AM

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

BigBen · 03-15-2006, 01:24 PM

LMAo mak

BigBen · 03-15-2006, 01:26 PM

[img=http://img238.imageshack.us/img238/5108/downwith6ez.th.jpg]

fallen · 03-16-2006, 03:21 PM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person
one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY.

TrueOutlaw · 03-16-2006, 03:23 PM

lol fallen

TrueOutlaw · 03-16-2006, 03:27 PM

good one mak ..........and lol at that cartoon BB

pickle · 03-16-2006, 05:40 PM

what room can you never enter?

a mush-room

and another...

Patient: doctor doctor I only have 59 seconds to live
doctor: Just wait a minute

and another...

Pickle walks into a bar and the bar man says "why the huge biceps?"

pickle · 03-16-2006, 05:55 PM

Q. What is another name for pickled bread?

A. Dill Dough

Rocky · 03-17-2006, 05:03 PM

Nice ones fellas!

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded
doctor's waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed
the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

Rocky · 03-17-2006, 05:04 PM

I've got a horrible feeling this may be a re-post, but I can't be arsed to go back and check so apologies if it is:

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"

The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."

The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well I once fondled and stroked one..."

St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"

The nun reply's "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"

Rocky · 03-20-2006, 06:50 AM

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next