[CHRISCO 57]

FEMALE PRAYER
Before Ilay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
Amen.

[Rocky]

Little Johnny was in school when the teacher conducted a recitation for the class.

Teacher: Class, I'll give a letter and you give me a word that starts with it. Okay, letter "a."

Johnny was anxious to answer but she didn't call him because she knows that Johnny was a smart ass kid. So she called Anne.

Anne: Ma'am, apple.

Teacher: Very good! Next letter, "b."

No one was willing to answer except for little Johnny. The teacher now just thought of a letter that little Johnny won't think of having a mischievous answer.

Teacher: Ok Johnny, letter "z."

Johnny: Zebra!

Teahcer: Very good! I thought you're going to give some naughty answer.

Johnny: Don't worry ma'am... But the zebra do have a 16 inch ****!

[De_battre]

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

[De_battre]

What is red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket.

[De_battre]

What is green and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket in disguise.

[Rocky]

lol! De Battre - short and sweet.

[Rocky]

One for the Kiwi's! :)

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small Village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figure's he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a ****ing liar, don't believe a word she says!

[PUMBA]

**************************
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was p1ssed.

*************************

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

**************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

**************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

****************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

*****************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

*****************************************

THESE WERE THE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT .... WITH THE LEAST ROMANTIC
SECOND.....

[Rocky]

That brought a tear to my eye Pumba - so romantic!!

A Jew, A Muslem and a Redneck man were walking through the mountains when it started to get dark.

So seeking shelter for the night they came across a small farm, knocking on the door they asked the farmer if they could stay the night.

He replied they were welcome but he only had two spare beds, but the other could sleep in the barn

So the Jew said no problem he would sleep in the barn.

10 minutes later he knocked on the door saying he could not sleep there as there was a pig in there.

So the Muslem said he would sleep in the barn. Again 10 minutes later he came knocking on the door saying he could not sleep there as there was a cow in there.

So the Redneck said he would sleep there.

10 minutes later the cow and the pig came knocking on the door.

[jornT]

More guys, more!

[Zomb131]

what's long green and smells like miss piggy?



Kermit's finger

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[Rocky]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Rocky]

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[Zomb131]

My fav Chuck Norris jokes....

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

[Lineski]

Why did the feminist cross the road?

-To suck my fat ****ing ****!


How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb

-None, feminists can't change anything!


How can you tell if a female has an orgasm?

-Who cares?!

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

zomb LMFAO i pissed myself laughing haha im gonna use these later on lol

[Lineski]

Originally Posted by Nothin' but a peanut!!

zomb LMFAO i pissed myself laughing haha im gonna use these later on lol

There used to be a website I frequented that had the "top 30" Chuck Norris facts based on votes by fans. Unfortunately like all popular online sites, it got to the point where you had to register in order to view the facts so at that point I figured it wasn't worth registering to hear new Chuck Norris jokes. However, on a talk show, Chuck Norris himself admitted his favorite "fact" was:

Chuck Norris would've appeared on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough to accurately represent the manliness of his beard

[PUMBA]

Kissed my gal to get erected,
pitched my line and got rejected,
so here I sit upon this seat,
smelling **** and beating meat!!!

[PUMBA]

Australians are suspicious by nature.

[PUMBA]

Brunette:"I can't see the words can you?"
Blonde:"No but damn......I have split ends."

[PUMBA]

"**** these cheap speakers, I can't here ****."

[jornT]

LOL @ that last pic.

[DaeguDave]

A man who lives out in the woods has three teenage daughters, all of whom are going out on a date tonight. The father's never met any of these boys so he decides to answer the door carrying his shotgun. He doesn't want to scare the boys, just show 'em who's boss.

So the first boy rings the doorbell and the man answers the door, shotgun in hand. The boy looks at the man, the gun, and then says,

"Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Bo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The man likes the look of the boy and what he has to say so off he and the man's daughter Bo go on a date.

A while later the next boy rings the bell, takes a look at the man, the gun, and then says,

"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man likes the look of the boy and what he has to say. Off he and Betty go on their date.

A while later the third boy rings the bell, looks at the man, the gun, and then says,

"Hi, I'm Chuck."

The man shoots the boy dead on his doorstep.

[Rocky]

lol! Nice one Dave!

[jornT]

I don't get it...is that bad?

[philosopher]

Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

[Rocky]

lol! Quality Philo!

[CHRISCO 57]

step away from the screen

[fallen]

An 85 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. Doc gave the man a jar and said, "take this home and bring me a semen sample tomorrow"

The next day the 85 year old reappeared at the doctor's office, but the jar was clean, and empty!

The doctor asked "what happened"; the man explained: "Well doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing."

"Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help, She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing!
She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out, and still nothing!

We even called Adelle, the lady next door. She tried her best too; first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!"


The doctor was shocked! "You asked a neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."