The Official Joke Thread!

jornT · 01-06-2006, 03:56 PM

And what did you come up with so far?

Vidis · 01-06-2006, 05:07 PM

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

jornT · 01-06-2006, 05:10 PM

LOL, didn't see them coming!

Vidis · 01-06-2006, 05:12 PM

Stumbling and Mumbling

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog. The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?" The woman replies, "Listen you drunken bastard, that's a dog not a pig." The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"

fallen · 01-06-2006, 05:18 PM

damn thats wrong but funny

Banshee20 · 01-07-2006, 01:08 AM

Did you hear about the woman who got a shell tattooed on her thigh? You put your ear to it and you can smell the ocean

BigBen · 01-07-2006, 01:26 AM

LMAO.

DaeguDave · 01-07-2006, 03:26 AM

World's Shortest Joke:

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rocky

Well I am a deep and thoughtful kinda guy...always questioning life and our purpose.

Clearly the weakest joke I've posted so far...

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 10:49 AM

Quality jokes everyone! lmao!!

"when is your birthday?" a man asks his neighbor
"why do u want to know?' asks the neighbor
"I want to buy u some shades for your windows so everytime u have sex with your wife, I don't have to see it."
then the neighbor asks
"when is your birthday? tell me so I can buy you binaculars."
"why?" asks the man
"so you can see better who's wife I'm having sex with, mine or yours!"

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 10:50 AM

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the
stern mother to her wild young daughter. "Will you be able to say the
same thing to your daughter?"

"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 10:53 AM

TWO WOMEN TALKING:
==================================
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

NOW TWO MEN TALKING
======================================
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 12:19 PM

I hope Banshee doesn't ban me for this one.

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

robcardu · 01-07-2006, 03:12 PM

there is no Santa??????

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 04:06 PM

Of course there is man - it's only a joke remember!!

Banshee20 · 01-07-2006, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rocky

I hope Banshee doesn't ban me for this one.

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Rocky=Banned

, lol...it was pretty funny. I have road rage and I probably am one of those stereotypically bad female drivers.

Rocky · 01-07-2006, 04:11 PM

^I'm sure you're a picture of motoring perfection! I can't talk I've totalled 3 cars, and had "minor altercations" with another 5!

robcardu · 01-07-2006, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Banshee20

, lol...it was pretty funny. I have road rage and I probably am one of those stereotypically bad female drivers.

is there a good one??? j/k

jornT · 01-08-2006, 06:04 PM

I have always wandered what j/k means...

Gumby51cm · 01-08-2006, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Banshee20

, lol...it was pretty funny. I have road rage and I probably am one of those stereotypically bad female drivers.

lol, i was driving my g/f back home yesterday, and i have road rage sometimes. So she lives in a german neighborhood, and this dude cut me this nasty look while i was taking a turn. So i go off and call him every german name that i know, and she gets pissed....i thought it was kinda funny..i said something along the lines of "what the **** are you lookin at kraut!?" then i prollt threw in a few nazi words in there just to get the point across. yeah, she was pretty mad.

Rocky · 01-09-2006, 07:56 AM

^^good work man! I'm pretty good at pissing my wife off doing offensive crap like that!

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl
lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of
the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no
longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying
you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with
the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Rocky · 01-10-2006, 07:31 AM

This is more one a woman might appreciate:

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Rocky · 01-10-2006, 07:33 AM

The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

The Ages of Man:
(read these ones carefully)
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.

2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.

3. Over 47: Try weakly.

MaKaVeLi · 01-10-2006, 08:03 AM

keep it coming man, this some funny as ****!

Rocky · 01-11-2006, 07:13 AM

3 men in a bar talking about their wives. They decide to compare them to birds.

The first bloke says: "Mine would be a swan. She's really elegant but very strong."
The second bloke says: "Mine would be a dove because she's so peaceful."
The 3rd bloke scratches his chin thoughtfully.
"I suppose mine would be a thrush" he says. "Cos' she's an irritating c*nt"

Rocky · 01-11-2006, 07:15 AM

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Rocky · 01-11-2006, 07:21 AM

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

jornT · 01-11-2006, 12:16 PM

Last post is brilliant Rock!

Rocky · 01-12-2006, 06:22 AM

^^Good grief! you managed an entire reply to me without involving the word "gay"!

Rocky · 01-12-2006, 07:53 AM

THE TYPES YOU FIND IN A PUBLIC URINAL:

Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, can’t find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: Joins friends in pee, whether he has to go or not.

Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on left, pees into one in center.

Timid: Can’t urinate if someone else is watching, flushes urinal anyway.

Indifferent: If all urinals are being used, pees in sink.

Clever: No hands. Shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been doing, makes a quick inspection.

Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly.

Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.

Disgusted: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Sneaky: Farts silently while peeing, acts very innocent, knows that the man in the next stall will be blamed.

Childish: Leaks directly into the urinal bottom, likes to watch bubbles.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads newspaper with free hand.

Efficient: Waits until he has to take a crap, then does both.

Tough: Bangs dong against urinal to dry it.

Fat: Has to stand back to take a long blind shot, misses, pees in shoe

Little: Stands on box, falls in.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.

Impatient: Always in a hurry, pees down back of guy ahead of him.

Withdrawn: Places feet in urinal, pees down leg so no one hears.