[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

what do you call a group of blondes sitting in a circle?
a dope ring

[chesticles]

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an ******* when you're drunk, Superman."

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

*mildly chuckling*

[chesticles]

You think I'm funny, ADMIT IT!

[Rocky]

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

[Rocky]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis baby sized and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your baby size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an baby!", she said.

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

[Q80_MuscleHed]

there we go :
Girlfriend is night partner, wife is life partner. Girlfriend 4 fun, wife 4 son, Girlfriend is Babydol, wife is Panadol . Girlfriend is Garden, wife is BinLaden

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

lol WTF haha rocky good one heard it before


Q: What do bananas do best in gymnastics?

A: The splits!
-- Submitted by: Jasmine, Age 8

[fallen]

lol great jokes i guess i need to get going again lol

[fallen]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?


One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
Shepicked a ittle boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth & asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!!! "It's a piece of ass!!!"

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

ahahahahaha lol funny one fallen!!

[robcardu]

loooooolllllllllll @ fallen

[Rocky]

Nice ones!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"

[Rocky]

This is an oldie too but someone might not know it so...

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[fallen]

lol damn that great Rocky

[CHRISCO 57]

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---

but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief,

"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush.

"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."
--

[imraan47]

HAHAHA that is awsome stuff!

[fallen]

Two things Marines are always taught:

1). Keep your priorities in order
2). Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the A.C.L.U. was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to

knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.
"I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!!
I'm still waiting!!!" His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, who was just released from the Corps after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The Marine hit him full force in the face! This sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also.....Waiting

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked, "What the hell is the matter with you?! Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an *******. So he sent me."

[CHRISCO 57]

thats a cool antidote!

god bless america

[Rocky]

Like it!

[fallen]

English -I Love You

Spanish -Te Amo

French -Je T'aime

German -lch Liebe Dich

Japanese-Ai ****e Imasu

Korean- Tang-Shin Ul, Sa-rang Hay-yo

Italian- Ti Amo

Chinese- Wo Ai Ni

Swedish -Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas,, North Carolina South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri,
Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida:

Nice Azz-get in the Truck

[fallen]

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.

[Gumby51cm]

this thread kicks ass.

[Rocky]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food." The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long days of work. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good", the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here".

[Rocky]

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

[Rocky]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[jornT]

Originally Posted by Rocky

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food." The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long days of work. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good", the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here".

I am leaving, makes three words in my book! But maybe I don't do anything else but bitch either.

Keep them coming guys!

[robcardu]

Originally Posted by Rocky

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

that was freakin deep bro

[Gumby51cm]

Originally Posted by robcardu

that was freakin deep bro

it kinda was though. lol

[Rocky]

Well I am a deep and thoughtful kinda guy...always questioning life and our purpose.