[chesticles]

ok then choke on these ones:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[chesticles]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[chesticles]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

[Rocky]

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "What?!!!"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, "they all look great, we'll buy all three of them."

Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $300 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, and trying to take advantage of her husband's generous mood, she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but if you really like it then let's get it."

The wife is practically jumping up and down with excitement. She says, "Okay, I'm ready to go, let's take all of this stuff to the register."

The husband says, "No-no-no, honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she's about to explode when the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

[chesticles]

lol at rocks.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

[chesticles]

A blind man enters a Woman's Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should
know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares,
"Nah......Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[chesticles]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. "So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes. "So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes. "I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. "She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[Rocky]

Chesticles is on a joke overload!
Good to see being Politically Correct isn't an issue for you lol!
Ah, I remember now - you're from Oz!

[chesticles]

You got that straight bud. i got 3 more for yas:
A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big ****, didn't it?"

[chesticles]

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

[chesticles]

I'll end it with an xmas one:
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas Eve unforgettable." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift." Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my **** this way!"

[Q80_MuscleHed]

Originally Posted by chesticles

I'll end it with an xmas one:
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas Eve unforgettable." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift." Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my **** this way!"

LoooooooooL ..

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

hahah nice one buddy
man pumpingiron is dong a mighty fantastic job with all these each one i see im jealous so now im trying to parade mine around
lol
JOKE TIME!
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: NO IDEA! (no eye-deer...get it?)
what do you call a deer with no eyes AND no legs?
A: STILL no idea! (still no eye deer get it?)
lol
alright thats me

[robcardu]

Originally Posted by Nothin' but a peanut!!

hahah nice one buddy
man pumpingiron is dong a mighty fantastic job with all these each one i see im jealous so now im trying to parade mine around
lol
JOKE TIME!
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: NO IDEA! (no eye-deer...get it?)
what do you call a deer with no eyes AND no legs?
A: STILL no idea! (still no eye deer get it?)
lol
alright thats me

damn i hope u forget these, Nothing but a peanut!!!!

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

lol damn sorry guys for making u read that

heer are some better ones

What does wife stand for? Washing, Ironing, ****ing, Etc

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and bitch.

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[Nothin' but a peanut!!]

Basic Guide To Aussie Life

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

not really a joke but very good i didt know where else to post

[jornT]

What's the diffrence between Pain and a group of bees?
You only have troubles with bees in the summer!
What's the diffrence between Tech and a bag of poo?
The bag!
Why doesn't Flex lock his car?
He know it stays in the family!
When can you spit Banshee in the face?
when her moustache is on fire!

All names are randomly chosen and anyone who might feel his/herself connected with this is just a coincidence!

[robcardu]

Originally Posted by jornT

What's the diffrence between Pain and a group of bees?
You only have troubles with bees in the summer!
What's the diffrence between Tech and a bag of poo?
The bag!
Why doesn't Flex lock his car?
He know it stays in the family!
When can you spit Banshee in the face?
when her moustache is on fire!

All names are randomly chosen and anyone who might feel his/herself connected with this is just a coincidence!

you will prolly be banned by this time tomorrow....

[robcardu]

Nothing wtf is a wharfie?? my english failed again

[Rocky]

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you still crying?" he asks and she fixes him with a sly smile.

"I've never been ****ed," she says. The man bends down and breaks both her arms.

"There," he says. "Now you're ****ed."

[Rocky]

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that difficult really, is it?" he says.

[chesticles]

Haha nice one's Rocky.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. "Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack. "Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. "Potatoes," says the blonde.

[Pain]

stop making fun of me

[chesticles]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot” The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

[Pain]

LMAO ^^^^ the look on the teachers face would be priceless.

[chesticles]

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to the nervous father. "Well, your baby is here. It's a boy. And guess what? He can fly!" The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was irate. The doctor calmed him down. "Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Your baby really can fly. Watch." Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it across the room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was just about ready to kill the doctor. "You idiot! You're going to kill my baby!" "Don't worry. He just needs to be scared a little." So the doctor took the baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside himself with anger. "You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna kill you!" "Hey, don't worry! I'm just ****ing with you. Your baby was stillborn."

[chesticles]

Your daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

[chesticles]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

[chesticles]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree? Wave at him.

[Rocky]

Ha ha ha! Nice ones man! Keep 'em coming!