[Rocky]

A young man confronting his girlfriend's father.

Young man: "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me."

Girl's Father: "And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"

Young man: "No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

[philosopher]

A woman takes a lover home

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

[Rocky]

^^lol! Re-post but I love that joke!

A teacher writes a word on the blackboard "contagious".

She asks one of the pupil's to say a sentence with the word contagious in. Little Molly raises her hand.

"Go ahead" says the teacher.

Molly says "My mummy was ill and so we couldn't go to see my nanny because she was contagious"

"Well done" says the teacher.

Billy has his hand up too.

"Go on" says the teacher.

"My dad was watching the neighbour painting the outside of his house and shook his head and said, that with that size brush it will take that contagious"

(c*nt ages - for the idiots!)

[Rocky]

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded his or her heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."

[philosopher]

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?"
and
he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when
available.

George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned The police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all". Then he hung up.

With in five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said That you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Rocky]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[MaKaVeLi]

lol thats just wrong!

[Palmetto]

A man had been drinking at a bar all night and the bartender finally said they were closing. He got up to leave but fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up again but the same thing happened. He crawled outside to get some fresh air to sober up. He tried to stand again and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks home. When he got to the door he tried to stand up and fell flat on his face. He crawled to his bedroom and when he reached the bed and managed to pull himself upright but then quickly fell onto the bed and fell asleep. The next morning his wife shouted at him "You've been drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked. "The pub called- you left your wheelchair there again!"

[Rocky]

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

[philosopher]

A Public Service Message for Women

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat
hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.


__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
to
start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of
holy communion.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it ... though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator
(applies to engineers mainly).
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can
we just go now?
__________________________________________________ _____
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning,
the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ... like wandering around in
the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
__________________________________________________ _____

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Diesel]

A young bodybuilder is at a party and ends up in a room with another girl. She's pretty impressed by his physique and next thing you know they both are taking their clothes off. The bodybuilder takes his shirt off and the girl says, "Wow, your chest is huge!" The bodybuilder goes, "That's 100ibs of dynamite, baby!" Then young man takes his pants off and the girls goes, "Your quads are massive!" The bodybuilder responds, "That's 100ibs of dynamite, baby!" Then, the young bodybuilder proceeds to taking off his boxers and all of a sudden the girl goes running out of the room screaming! The young man dresses himself and chases after the girl and finally catches up to her. He asks, "What's wrong? Why did you run out on me like that?" The girl responds, "I didn't want to be around all that dynamite with such a short fuse."

sorry if its a repost...

[Rocky]

^lol! Nice one! :)

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again...

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!