[Rocky]

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out

steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel ba rs, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. ! In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Rocky]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

[pickle]

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

COP THAT MAK!

[Rocky]

A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner.

Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter.

After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.

"Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car."

The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?"

All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."

"Is that all? How old is your son?"

"He's only seven."

With this the salesman can't resist anymore.

"OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?"

"I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."

The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son.

"Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."

Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy, put your hand in my bra."

Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."

Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick.

The salesman hands her his keys.

[Rocky]

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making achocolate cake from scratch.

While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?

The son gleefully replied "Look Mama! I'm black!!!"

The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son.

She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've done!

The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!"

The father put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his face (seeing the chocolate on the boy's face.)

The father said "Come here, boy!" The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head.

The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, "Um... Grandpa. Look what I did. I'm black now"

The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him.

"That'll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!!

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!"

The boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white mothafucka's already!

[Rocky]

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold." "Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying. The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What the heck happened to you"? ask her two friends. "Mike hit me". came the reply. Why? ask the girls."I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to and all I said was your balls aren't cold like Frank and Johns!"

[Rocky]

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.

[robcardu]

LOL.......Rome here i go!!!

[philosopher]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”

[philosopher]

A young Indian guy from Gujarat (they're called Gujus)) moves to
California and goes to a big department shopping complex looking
for a job.

The Manager asks: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Gujju says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first
day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many
sales did you make today?" Guju says: "Sir, Just ONE sale." The
boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd
better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much
was the sale for?"

Guju says: "$ 101,237.64"

Boss says: " $ 101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Guju says: Sir,First I sell him small fishhook. Then I sell
him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I
sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask him where
he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him
he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department
and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our
automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him
where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him
to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper
camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a
$100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to
buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Gujju says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy a box of
tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your weekend's stuffed, you might
just as well go fishing."

[Rocky]

lol! Nice ones Philo! I haven't found any decent jokes for ages.

[Lineski]

Not sure if this has been posted...I read it out of Playboy last month:

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday and the daughter said, "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe"

Confused, the mother tells her daughter, "Honey, Barbie comes with a Ken Doll, not a G.I. Joe"

The Daughter looked up at her and said, "No mom, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken."