[Rocky]

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out

steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel ba rs, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. ! In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Rocky]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

[pickle]

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

COP THAT MAK!

[Rocky]

A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner.

Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter.

After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.

"Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car."

The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?"

All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."

"Is that all? How old is your son?"

"He's only seven."

With this the salesman can't resist anymore.

"OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?"

"I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."

The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son.

"Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."

Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy, put your hand in my bra."

Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."

Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your ****.

The salesman hands her his keys.

[Rocky]

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making achocolate cake from scratch.

While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?

The son gleefully replied "Look Mama! I'm black!!!"

The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son.

She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've done!

The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!"

The father put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his face (seeing the chocolate on the boy's face.)

The father said "Come here, boy!" The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head.

The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, "Um... Grandpa. Look what I did. I'm black now"

The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him.

"That'll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!!

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!"

The boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white motha****a's already!

[Rocky]

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold." "Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying. The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What the heck happened to you"? ask her two friends. "Mike hit me". came the reply. Why? ask the girls."I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to and all I said was your balls aren't cold like Frank and Johns!"

[Rocky]

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.

[robcardu]

LOL.......Rome here i go!!!

[philosopher]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”

[philosopher]

A young Indian guy from Gujarat (they're called Gujus)) moves to
California and goes to a big department shopping complex looking
for a job.

The Manager asks: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Gujju says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first
day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many
sales did you make today?" Guju says: "Sir, Just ONE sale." The
boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd
better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much
was the sale for?"

Guju says: "$ 101,237.64"

Boss says: " $ 101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Guju says: Sir,First I sell him small fishhook. Then I sell
him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I
sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask him where
he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him
he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department
and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our
automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him
where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him
to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper
camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a
$100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to
buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Gujju says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy a box of
tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your weekend's stuffed, you might
just as well go fishing."

[Rocky]

lol! Nice ones Philo! I haven't found any decent jokes for ages.

[Lineski]

Not sure if this has been posted...I read it out of Playboy last month:

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday and the daughter said, "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe"

Confused, the mother tells her daughter, "Honey, Barbie comes with a Ken Doll, not a G.I. Joe"

The Daughter looked up at her and said, "No mom, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken."

[Rocky]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work", the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS You are naked", said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy", said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute", the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the LOVE DRESS and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress", the mother-in-law replied. "Needs ironing", he replied

[Lineski]

Not bad at all!

[philosopher]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms," son.
Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for
January, one for February, one for March...

[robcardu]

LOL.......that was a good one

[Rocky]

Like it!! :)

There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida. One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention. The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying: "We have overloaded this flight. We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won't go down."

Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window. Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement. "We are still experiencing problems. We're sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we're going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane won't go down. We're going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically. We'll start with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?"

The black woman and her child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system. "Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now"?

The Black woman and child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system again. "Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?"

All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child. The black woman and child continued to sit.

The child then looked up at her Mom and said: "Mom aren't we all of those?"

The mother then replied to her daughter, "Baby, we ******s tonight and the K's come before the N's."

[PUMBA]

Still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced 8 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband
"Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin"
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be, you have been married 8 times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be"
"Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is"
"Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process."
"Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, tutored and seen video clips on how but was never able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it"
"Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it"
"Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it"
"Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do....GOD I miss him"
"But now that I married you, I am really excited!"
"Good" said the new husband "but why?"
"Because" said the new bride "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[PUMBA]

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your **** touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your **** touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.

Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your **** touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my **** can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go **** yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

[PUMBA]

~ The Magic Sandals ~
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a salesman say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The salesman replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the salesman, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the man's thighs.
The salesman then began screaming, STOP!!! "YOU HAVE THEM ON DE WRONG FOOT!!!

[PUMBA]

Story of an Engaged Man

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, without underwear or a bra. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Rocky]

Think I posted that before - but still a goodie! :)

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "c*nt" and "****" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.

All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "**** you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

[Rocky]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

[philosopher]

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

[Rocky]

^^lol! Cunning! :)

A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortuneteller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be found guilty?"

[Rocky]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband,

"She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[philosopher]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mom on top of
is dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen she dress's quickly
and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a Big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it right back up."

[philosopher]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[philosopher]

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

[Rocky]

Ba da Bum! Nice ones Philo! :)