COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHITon the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
THE MANAGEMENT
__________________  Orbit Nutrition Representative Quote: |
Volunteer Firefighter for Harrison City Station 87 Fire / Rescue
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Mission: To save lifes and property from damage!
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Originally Posted by bbdude  keep being THE DUNGEON! Cause u are! U are the dungeon! | | 
”A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he gives up.”
