1. Pick up the cat and cradle in the crook of you left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats jaw and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws firmly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill into the back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly in one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing together later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to ensure pill not harmful to humans. drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon and flick pill down throat will rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to the neighbour who crashed into the fence while trying to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour TWO pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to casualty department. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill from right eye. On way home call at furniture shop to order new table.
15. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill
1. Wrap pill in bacon and allow to swallow.
TEAM BIG PAY CHECK
Your favourite Gym hitting hick
